And I still cannot look at that particular string of letters without thinking of the more obscene interpretation. However, after reading many many blogs of other people who have this particular condition, I am more convinced than ever that the obscene interpretation is the correct one. When I see how many problems and issues it has caused for so many people, it simply boggles my mind.
I can't help but wonder how different this pregnancy would have been without it. It wouldn't have been nearly as terrifying and anxiety producing, but I wonder if it would have been as treasured? Any child is a blessing, but if I had simply been able to have a second child when I wanted to, would I have felt this intense feeling of being absolutely blessed with a child? I don't know because we didn't get to have that experience; however, it's something that I think about all the time when I visit the blogs of others within the RPL (repeat pregnancy loss) and infertility community. There are so many people out there with this condition who haven't been able to get pregnant and experience any of this yet, and there are so many who are anxiously progressing, day by day, through their own pregnancy right now with so many of the same fears and anxieties.
All of this is one of the main reasons that I try so hard to stay on the bright side and to look at things in a positive manner. It's been hard at times, especially with all of our current complications, but we have been beyond blessed to get this far and I never ever forget it. At any point in the next few weeks, we could end up with cord problems, and I never stop thinking about that as well, due to the clotting nature of this disorder. Even with the blood thinners, the cord can start to clot or rot away while the baby is still using it. I'm really glad that we monitor Jellybean as much as we do to make sure she's doing well so that this isn't as big a fear as it could be.
I can't believe that, up to this point and hopefully beyond, I have been able to be a success story. I can't believe that we are growing what appears to be a healthy and active little girl. Although the idea of six more weeks of this kind of pain and discomfort is really hard to deal with, I never lose sight of what is coming at the end of it all. It's just too easy to let the depression and the overwhelming nature of the whole situation to take over every now and then. But it's overwhelming in both negative and positive ways. While I may express the frustrations and the feelings of anxiety more often, I never stop thanking God for my blessing and the chance to hold her very very soon. I know that I could be like so many other people and still deep in the process of testing and trying, and I know how that process feels. There's nothing that hurts your soul and your heart more than that negative test or that wait for HCG levels or that knowledge that yet another precious baby has left you. Those are experiences that change you at the very core and you will never ever forget what they felt like or what they meant.
All of this is a long way of saying, I'm grateful. I wanted to enjoy being pregnant a lot more by avoiding sickness and complications, but that wasn't in the cards for me; however, none of that means that I don't fully comprehend the luck and the grace that helped me get to this point. I am blessed beyond belief to have gotten this far, and I will never forget everything that brought us to this point. There is a light at the end of that MTHFRing tunnel, and I'm so close I can almost touch it.