Monday, May 30, 2011

Pregnancy News

We had a very good weekend overall. It was lovely to get to visit my family and have the opportunity to actually be "out" with my pregnancy. No hiding or being sly with what I say or do - it was a nice change of pace. Everyone is very excited and gearing up for the arrival of Jellybean. Wish it wasn't so far away :)

In other news, we were late heading down to my parents' house on Friday because I had to go to the doctor again. I have the same symptoms of the Kidney infection. I have serious pain in the lower right side of the back and the pain is so bad it makes me nauseous. It's horrible. I went in and they found blood in my urine, but no sign of an infection, which means they can't tell me what it is or how to fix it. Being as this is the third time in less than two months that this has happened, it's fair to say I'm frustrated. Overall, this is the only real sickness I'm having, but it's a doozy as it puts me in pain and makes me nauseous. Their best guess is a kidney stone...they said I'll know if that happens and that we'll be making a trip to the ER. Obviously, I really hope that's not the case; however, there's a part of me that says, "If that makes all this silliness stop, I can gut it out." Nothing has happened so far, and my doctor was nice enough to give me enough zofran and tylenol 3 to get through six more days...I have my next appointment on Tuesday the 7th, so hopefully it will either clear up or I can get some better answers then.

School with start back up on the sixth. Not thinking about it. So thankful to those who dropped by from ICLW and happy for the new friends and blogs I have found! Have a lovely (but very warm and humid) evening! Happy Memorial Day!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Restless Legs and Restless Heart

It's been an interesting week. Of course, it has been a really really good week. It's wonderful to finally be into the second trimester and to see that things are going well, but at the same time it's been such an emotional time as well.

One of the hardest things about pregnancy after so many miscarriages is the whole "what-if" factor. I mean, what if something happens? What if it doesn't develop correctly? What if I forget to take my medicine and I hurt the baby or the pregnancy? What if I can't carry to full term? What if I spend so much time with the pregnancy sickness that I start to neglect my daughter? What would I do if I lost this baby?

I think I can honestly say that after all the losses, I don't know that I would be able to "bounce back" from another. I warned Brian that another loss would likely end with me in a mental ward, and it's a serious concern for us both. I know that this is negative thinking and that this week isn't about being negative. It's about celebrating and enjoying what we have, but each day and each week that we progress is another day that the baby gets bigger and becomes a larger part of our lives. If it hurt so badly to lose those babies at six or eight weeks, what would I do at 14 or 20?

It's so weird because I never really thought about any of this with Katie. Of course, some of that was just being newly pregnant and stupid. I was cautious, but never really concerned. Now it seems like I have met so many people who have had very tragic losses: at 17 weeks, at 19 weeks, at 22 weeks, at 28 weeks, at 30 weeks...even the woman who does my sonograms lost hers in the second trimester just a few months ago. It's very scary to see all that and then think about our own chances...especially when we start to consider our own history.

It also just amazes me and makes me feel so blessed that we even had Katie. I lost all of these babies and I'm keeping this one through the miracle of modern medicine. I am truly blessed that I even have my little buddy. How did she make it through (even if she was premature) when none of the others could? God truly had a plan for us there.

Anyway, I'm honestly not complaining...just worrying. I'm very thankful for all that we have and for as far as we have come; I just want to make sure we can continue on our journey.

In more practical, everyday news, I'm having a very hard time sleeping. It's mostly due to lack of comfort and restless legs. Now that I can finally exercise, I'm hoping that walking will help (if the rain and tornadoes ever stop), but I'm looking for advice - is there anything else that helps? I'll take anything you can come up with...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It's good!

This will be brief because it's been a long day (with no naps on the part of our three year old - so I'm tired).

It's all good. Everything looks exactly as it should. The baby was moving and having a great time and the placenta was in good shape and very solid. It was in a position for placenta previa (covering the cervix), but since it's very early in the pregnancy and we're already planning a c-section, that's no big deal at all.

Katie loved it. She said the baby waved at her. The ultrasound tech gave her her own picture of the baby to take home and Katie put it in a frame by her bed. I don't know if she understands that this is a "new" baby and not a picture of her (she loves looking at her ultrasound photos in her baby book), but either way, it was neat.

No more progesterone. No more restrictions. I am now NORMAL! Isn't it funny how something as simple as that can make your day :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

An anxious wait...

Until Tuesday...afternoon, to be exact.

One more sonogram in the first trimester. If all is well, we can move on with our life and finally be "out" with our pregnancy. I have to say that it has been a very nerve-wracking few months, but just getting to this point is a huge accomplishment for us.

Since Katie is out of school and so am I, she will be joining us at the doctor's office on Tuesday. She keeps asking me why my tummy is so big (again - huge for only being the first trimester - I blame it on hormones and lovenox injections) and if there's a baby. So, we broke down a bit and told her that we didn't know. She knows we'll look at a tv at the doctor's office and that we may see a baby there (but then again, we've also told her we may not - we don't know.). I feel like it's too early to tell her anything, since she's three, but she's so darn perceptive and she picks up on everything. Since it's all my in-laws can talk about, she picks up bits and pieces and I think she already knows a lot more then she's letting on. So, I guess whether it's wise or not, she'll know something on Tuesday. And we'll know something on Tuesday.

Ready to be free of restrictions and down to only the daily injections. Ready to tell people...ready to shout it from the rooftops...but still scared. Don't think that's going to go away...

Just a couple more days...

Monday, May 16, 2011

End of Semester Stress?

Or something more? I honestly can't tell. Of course, there's a lot going on in my life right now. Finishing up the show (it will end next Sunday), ending the semester (finishing on Tuesday), and getting to the end of the first trimester (Tuesday the 24th) are all coinciding at one time and it's starting to take a bit of a mental and physical toll on me.

To begin with, the weather is starting to get nicer and all I want to do is to go for a walk with my daughter or help her ride her bike or run around the park with her. But I can't do any of those things. I can't do much when I do go out with her (to a park or gymnastics or whatever) because I can't lift her onto a swing or keep up with her or catch her or...well, anything other than watch. That's starting to become a real downer. I keep reminding myself that if it all looks good at the next ultrasound that this will all be over, but it's hard to stay on the sidelines because I feel like I'm missing time with her.

I'm exhausted. Completely and horribly exhausted. Staying out late on show nights doesn't help (I'm home by 10:30, but that feels very late). And all of the student needs and issues are making me emotionally exhausted (as they do every semester). I know that they have done the work and they earned the grade they get, but this is the time of year when all the sob stories and major drama comes out and it's just so damn hard. I can't look at a student that I know didn't do the work and didn't earn a passing grade and tell him/her that they have failed without bursting into tears myself, so add into the mix hormones, exhaustion, and drama, and I'm even worse.

I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in. I have one of those ginormous body pillows that I thought would help, but it's really not. My main problem is my low back. It's killing me and I spend most of my day hobbling around in pain. Of course, the answer for low back pain is everything I can't do - stretching, exercise, heat, etc. I can't do any of that, so I'm starting to get very frustrated.

But overall, I'm just scared. I'm really really scared. When I'm a few hours off on taking the Lovenox or the Progesterone, the fear that courses through me is so intense it's like a massive panic attack. I'm absolutely sure that I've just killed my baby. I still spend every day waiting to see those tell-tale spots of blood or wait for those horrible cramps to show up. The slightest twinge in my abdomen makes me panic and absolutely freak out. In fact, I've spent most of the past day just crying out of sheer terror.

Is there any reason for this? No. Things are going well. But the farther we get, the more I start to worry that it will all stop again and that we'll go through that terrible pain of another miscarriage. And this one would be worse because we are so much farther along. As I've told Brian...I miss my drugs. It would be really nice to be on my mood stabilizers or even a nice Xanax now and then to just help me relax or think things through in a rationale manner.

But I guess that's it...deep down I know this is all irrational. I know that things are fine. It's just the "what-if's" and the fear getting to me. With any luck, once things quiet down, I'll start to feel more secure and settled because I'll have more time to rest and relax. And getting out of this first trimester will certainly help because I may finally be able to be active...

Thanks for listening. Some days, it just feels like a lot. I'm still so thankful for everything we have and I will gladly deal with all of it for a healthy baby.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Lookin' good

We just had our third sonogram and second pre-natal doctor visit and everything went very well. Jellybean is looking really good and in two weeks we will be out of the scary trimester and into "normal" pregnancy. I can't wait.

When we arrived, we saw Jellybean right off. S/he's gotten SOOO big. The first thing we saw was the heart just beating away...but not for long. Jellybean was just bouncing around and dancing like you wouldn't believe. They had a hard time taking pictures because the little person just wouldn't stay still for a second. S/he was waving arms and legs and just twisting and turning up a storm. So, fetal movement? Check!

Today they estimated my due date at December 5, which puts me at a bit over ten weeks. Jellybean was measuring about 9cm (last time, Bean was only 4.5!) and the pleat in the uterus had shrunk, so that should be gone soon. The heartbeat at this point should be between 130-170, and Jellybean came in at 168, so it's all looking good.

Doctor says all is exactly as it should be. Unfortunately, the nausea that comes from my back pain seems to be related to pregnancy. That's a bummer because it's the least comfortable part, but - again - I'll deal. Not that big a deal. She said that we'll do one more sonogram at twelve weeks (May 24th, if you're keeping track), and if all looks good at that point, I can:
1) Go off the progesterone
2) Start lifting things and doing light exercise (like walking)
3) Tell people because we are out of the first trimester
4) Relax and start to enjoy being a "normal" pregnant lady.

We'll do a sonogram at about twenty weeks for gender (yes, of course we will find out) and then we'll do weekly or biweekly sonograms in the third trimester to monitor for early labor, but we're almost out of the really hard part. Thanks for sticking with us so far :) There's no reason to think it won't continue to go well, but that can be said for a lot of life. Right now, we're just going to think positively and start to do some serious planning...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Are you kidding me???

I will now stop saying, forever, that things are going well.

Kidney infection #2 in three weeks.

You have got to be kidding me...I thought I was going to puke all through opening night of the show.

Off to take many antibiotics, lots of Tylenol, and sleep...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Precious Pete

Today, we lost our good buddy Precious Pete. Of course, that was his official name, but we never called him that. He was Pete, Petey, Stinky Pete, Lazy name it. But he was an amazing little buddy and we're really going to miss him. Pete was the cat that always wanted to be around people. There was nothing he loved more than snuggling in bed with us or sitting on our laps, and he could purr like a lawn mower.

He was old. We don't know exactly how old, but we figure in his teens. When we got him, eight years ago, the humane society said he was three; however, at his first vet visit, the doctor put him closer to six-eight. His charts at the vet listed him as 15. In the past few years his eyesight has been rough and he developed diabetes. Even though he got two shots of insulin a day, he started to go downhill in the past six months, and this weekend we knew the end was near. When Brian and Katie got home today he was having a seizure in the kitchen. We sent Katie upstairs, Brian got the carrier and some towels, and I just scratched his head as he yelled in pain/fear. It was really sad. When they got to the vet, the doctor euthanized him saying it was the end.

The weird thing is that he had an appointment tomorrow to see if his diabetes had stabilized (it's been off the charts for the past month, so he goes in for a day each week for them to monitor and adjust his insulin) and we were going to talk to the vet about euthanizing him. I guess he wanted to make sure that didn't happen. I wish Katie hadn't seen it, but she's too young to know what she saw, so that's good.

In any case, it will be a bit lonely without him. He was quite a talker and always very vocal. he was always the only cat we had that would come when you called his name. I'll miss sleeping with him and seeing his cute little speckled paws. You'll be missed a lot, little buddy.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Busy Time

Thankfully, there's not a lot to report at this point. Things have remained pretty constant, which is a good thing.

Most of you know this is a really really busy time of year when I'm getting in revised papers during class and through email by the boatload. It all tapers off on Friday, but until then, it's just a hellstorm of grading. That takes a lot of my time and concentration. Adding to that is that it's tech week for Titanic. Full costumes, make-up, sets, props, orchestra, lights and sound starting tonight. We've been getting done at about ten-thirty pm (that will now be a bit later when you consider that we have to get everything put away and scrub ourselves clean), so most of my time is spent napping when I can. It's been pretty exhausting.

One of the rough things has been that my arms and legs - particularly my ankles - have swollen up to a huge size. I have true cankles now that are just disgusting, but since I can't exercise (and due to the sheer quantities of progesterone and Lovenox I'm ingesting daily), I think I just have to live with it. It will be nice when I can be publicly pregnant and not just gross. In addition, much like with Katie, I'm freezing most of the day - except when I go onstage and then I start to sweat like a beast. Hormones are a lovely thing. The few people in the show that know laugh a lot at me. They enjoy my ups and downs a lot...kind people that they are.

No real nasty symptoms. Some nausea, but definitely nowhere near like it was with Katie. I'm definitely getting is starting to become a problem. My boobs are freakin' huge (which makes getting in and out of costume backstage - especially in front of the children - feel mildly pornographic). Oh well.

Other than that, unless something truly tragic happens, we're just waiting to see little Jellybean again next Tuesday. It's going to be rough when we get out of the first trimester and have to wait until 20 weeks to see the little person again :) But the good news is that we will be out of the first trimester.