Tuesday, December 28, 2010

On to a New Year...

I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor today and we were pleased to see my HCG levels at 34. Six and under is considered negative, so I should no longer be pregnant by the time we check next Tuesday. At that point, the true fun begins.

The doctor can't tell if this ectopic is part of a pattern or a fluke because it doesn't fit with my previous two pregnancy losses. Therefore, we will have to start doing some serious testing to figure out where we stand. She said we need to give my body a few weeks to "reset" before we check anything. Then, I guess it's game on.

Sounds like we will be looking at genetic issues, autoimmune issues, and now, due to a certain ectopic pregnancy, we will have to do some CT and MRI scans, among others, to determine if there is damage, scar tissue, etc. in the area.

In other words, we're starting down what sounds like a long and frustrating road. I'm trying to look on the bright side and believe that in the long run we will have some answers that will help us move forward and help us carry a pregnancy to term.

Happy New Year a bit early. I hope it's better than 2010 :)

Monday, December 27, 2010

It's Good to be Home....

For a minute...then we're off again. But it's still nice to stop and pause.

Have lots and lots of tests tomorrow at the doctor's - will report more then.

In other news, Christmas was happy and sad, as I expected it would be. Surprisingly, the hardest part of the entire trip was Mass. I suppose that shouldn't be too surprising, but the homily was all about our children and birth and how we raise them and hold them and love them. That was pretty hard to sit through. The worst part was that we were on the side of the altar in the front row, so everyone could see me. I'm sure no one noticed, but I felt as though everyone was staring at me as I sniffled and cried my way through the service.

Other than that, things went pretty well. Katie, of course, made out like a bandit! Brian has spent all day today trying to figure out where to put things and how to make room. Her big gifts were her baby doll and kitchen - both from Santa. She's absolutely thrilled with them and having a ball. It was absolutely beautiful to watch her on Christmas morning - to see that pure joy and astonishment. I loved that. I think having Katie makes everything so much more doable.

Well, I'm exhausted for now, so I'm going to watch Snow White with Katie. Toodles. And thank you to those of you who thought of us during this difficult time and shared those thoughts with us. We really appreciated it.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Had a terrible day today.

Needed a blood draw since it's been a week since I was released from the hospital and, likewise, my last one. When I got to the hospital and the outpatient lab, there were so many people there it was insane. You have to be admitted, register, and then go to the lab. It's a very long process.

In any case, I tried to make the best use of my time by calling to reschedule my doctor's appointment. I called the office and asked if I could move it from the 29th to the 28th and was asked what it was for. I said it was a follow-up visit and she cut me off and said, "Oh right - you delivered."


But when I said that, she explained that medically, I had delivered. After she asked how the baby was and if I was sleeping.

The same thing happened in registration and in the lab.

Perhaps we need some new terminology. Or perhaps we need to acknowledge the fact that not everyone who "delivers" actually got to take their baby home.

In any case, it sucked.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Silly, I know...

But I'm going to have a party for all of my babies on December 24th. I feel it's the only way to really appreciate, acknowledge, and move on. I've now lost three babies that would have been due in July, December, and July - respectively, but December 24th was my first real due date, so it's the one I'm going to celebrate.

I ask for nothing from you except your thoughts and prayers on that day. I just want to have a small cake and remember them. So, even though it's a busy day and a holiday, if you can take a moment to say a small prayer for us or to think of us, I would honestly appreciate it.

love you all.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

What's been going on...

It's been a long few days, but hopefully the worst is all over. As you know, Monday wasn't looking good and the pain was becoming pretty unbearable. I had called Brian to let him know we were going to the ER when he got home (this was about two o'clock), but then I pre-empted that decision and went on my own. Needless to say, he was a bit pissed when he found out, but I'm glad I went in when I did since we were there for days. Literally.

When I checked in, they did a lot of the standard tests - blood quants, ultrasound, etc. Thankfully, I got some really good pain and nausea medicine. Then they started to scare me because they started pumping me full of IV fluids, adding wristbands to my arm, and prepping me for emergency surgery. Now, surgery in and of itself isn't necessarily bad, but the more "emergency" it is, the more likely it is that they'll take out things that don't need to come out.

After monitoring my condition for about six hours, I was admitted and sent upstairs so they could continue monitoring throughout the night. The plus was that I had my own pain pump that I could use every ten minutes. The down side was that I was rooming with an elderly woman who a) had a husband who had decided that his rightful position was to set up an "office" (no, I'm not kidding - he had a fax, computer, phone, etc) right in front of the only bathroom door and b) groaned, moaned, and screamed all night long. It was like a combination of snoring and moaning that I am going to call snoaming. Unbearable isn't the word for it. These were really loud moans and yells. Crazy.

When I got up in the morning, I was still in pain, but it seemed to be better. The doctor looked at all the sonograms and quants and had determined that surgery should be a last resort. She felt the fetus was now microscopic and that there was a good chance she would miss it if she did have to go in surgically, so we were going to try to avoid it. About an hour or so later; however, things went really badly really quickly. I started running a fever, hallucinating, shaking, I was about to vomit and I was crying with pain. We thought that might be it and that surgery was certainly on its way, but thankfully we rode it out and made it through. On top of all the regular pain, my sinuses have stepped up to add in to the joy and I had a massive migraine yesterday.

Thankfully, as I began last night dreading another evening of moaning and yelling, my nurse noticed my discomfort and found me a new room. I cannot thank the two nurses enough who moved me and all of my stuff at nine-thirty at night into my OWN private room. Not only was I free of my neighbor and all of her noises, but I could go to the bathroom whenever I wanted. It was fabulous.

This morning, things were definitely better. I was finally able to eat (I had been on a clear liquid diet since Monday), and I managed to keep down a pancake and some juice. After that and a shower, I was ready to hit the road, and my doctor agreed. So I came home and crashed.

I'm still a bit woozy and don't feel 100%, but the doctor thinks that the past couple of days were the worst of it. She believes almost everything has flushed from my system now and that we're in recovery. Obviously, I'm left out all the really bloody parts of this story because it's just gross, but we can safely saw that most of the fetus is gone. I'm very thankful that we didn't go through with a third dose of methotrexate yesterday (we were THIS close - I begged the doctor not to), and I'm hoping to be feeling good by tomorrow or Friday.

Thank you for the good thoughts and positive messages. I'm hoping there's a clear light at the end of the tunnel for us now :)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Small Update

We may be looking at emergency surgery. We're still waiting for all the results to come back. If my CBC shows that I'm stable, then we'll take it from there, but if it's gone down then it means that the pregnancy has ruptured and it's a pretty serious situation.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts...I'll let you know as soon as I know.


I don't want to post much because there isn't a lot of happy stuff to say. I had my second two shots last week and they totally took me down. I was so lightheaded and dizzy (not to mention the nausea and pain that exist with the condition) that I couldn't function. Driving to work I felt like I was drugged and I could barely make it through the days. Brian even had to come pick me up on Friday. Of course, it was the last week of class, so canceling wasn't an option.

We did discover on Friday that my levels had finally dropped, but we don't know by how much. I went in this morning for another draw and hopefully it will show that they have dropped significantly. Still a lot of pain and blood and I would really like for this all to end. At this point, if they want to go in and cut something out, they're welcome to do so.

Will let you know when I know...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The News

Well, we had another sonogram today and they seem to think that the embryo is shrinking or collapsing on itself. They looked all around and there is still no rupture, so we're safe to continue with medication for the time being. I have to do more quant counts on Friday and Monday to see what happens, but we did a second dose of methotrexate today (another two shots). This time I was able to get some nausea medication and some stronger pain meds, so with any luck, I'll be able to make it through the week (thank GOD that this is the last week and I only have two days of finals next week).

Apparently, only about 1% of pregnancies are ectopic, and, of those, 90% respond immediately to methotrexate. So, I've not only been lucky enough to have an ectopic pregnancy, but I've also been lucky enough to fall in the group that doesn't respond quickly to medication. To make me feel better, the doctor told me that the most times she's had to give a dose is three times. Let's hope that two is the magic number for us.

So very very ready for this all to end...

Prayers, please!

My levels went up again. They shouldn't do that.

Another sonogram today. We have to decide how to proceed: more drugs or surgery.

Monday, December 6, 2010


I'm in a strange place right now. It's weird to say this, but I was actually more sad and upset before all of this happened. It's like I'm emotionally numb now or that I'm so worn out emotionally that I have nothing left to feel. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet. Whatever the case, I'm doing ok right now which is both scary and comforting.

Some of it, I'm sure, is due to the fact that it's the last week of the semester. With all the papers coming in, finals coming up, and assessments to collect, it's too busy to really think about much. But then something will happen...like Katie...ever the precocious child, saying "Mommy, your tummy is big." Yes. Yes it is. But it won't be for long. And that takes me down a notch. Or when she asks for a brother baby or sister baby. That makes me sad because I want to tell her how hard we're trying to give her that...unfortunately, it's just not meant to be right now.

I'm honestly afraid that it's all going to hit me after the semester ends. I think that between my previous December 24th due date and this, I might have a hard crash coming. Thankfully, I'm back on my meds for depression, but I don't know how far that will take me. I did step down from my teaching chair assignment because we have a lot of big projects coming up, and my family and I need to be my focus right now.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers. It makes me feel so loved when I log on and see those - it makes me feel less alone.

Friday, December 3, 2010

And so it goes...

Christmas is coming. I'm trying really hard to be ok, but I don't know how it will play out.

The good news - since I'm going to be undergoing tests for a few months, I'm back on my meds, so that should help.

The bad news - well, December 24 was still my due date. And with this most recent event, well...that sucks.

I've been really lucky because so far I haven't fully comprehended what's going on or this particular loss. I know that denial and postponing aren't great ways to go about life, but if it gets me through the holidays, I'm all for it. I'm a bit afraid of what will happen when this sinks in.

It's this weird situation: it's good to know what's going on. I don't want to go in that in-between land of "is it a miscarriage" or "what's wrong with this baby," but I know that at some point it will sink in. I honestly hope it doesn't for a while because I really don't know how I'll deal with that.

I focus a lot on Katie right now. She's absolutely amazing and the best thing I've ever done...but what if that's all I get? I never thought that would be my only pregnancy and my only child. I always thought I'd get another shot at it. Maybe Katie is the miracle baby and that's all we're going to have. I know it sounds silly to worry about something retroactively, but I always thought I'd have another baby to hold and love and feed and wake up in the middle of the night for.

I guess three children, like I wanted, might be a pipe dream. Two children might not happen. I worry that if I have another child that I will think of it as my "miracle" and Katie will suffer.

I'm sorry...there's just a lot that's going through my mind right now. I never imagined that this would be me.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


So, my doctor sorta forgot to mention that this would make me sick (thankfully, when I saw it was a cancer drug, I kinda assumed as much), but I am so dizzy, nauseous, and in pain that I can't see straight. Thankfully, she brought me back in today to make sure there was no internal bleeding and no rupture - not yet :)

Now I'm on medical leave from work until I'm re-evaluated on Monday. Fun stuff. I feel terrible since next week is the last week of the semester. What a nightmare time to have this happen! Hopefully my students can figure out email if they need it. For now, I'm curling up in bed with a heating pad and trying to get the world to stop spinning. Still have to do blood checks on Thursday and Sunday...I look like a pin cushion.

Enough moaning and complaining. Have a nice evening; I'm going to bed.