Yes; I missed a day

posting, but it's been a bit hectic around here. Yesterday was my last NST on its own (we'll do another one on Tuesday with the Doctor's appointment, but I don't have to go in anymore - theoretically - for just a NST), and it was a long and frustrating appointment.

I was up all night Thursday night with pain and contractions. Nothing helped and I spent most of the night curled in a ball or pacing the downstairs. It's amazing how long a night can be. After everyone left in the morning, I continued pacing and finally went for a long long walk before my appointment. Strangely enough, the walk was the only time I felt pretty good - I think it's because the weather was so nice and everything outside just kinda took my mind off how I was feeling. I wanted to walk longer, but had to head to the doctor's.

They hooked me up, again, and forgot to set the monitor correctly. So, I hollered for about ten minutes from my room ("Hello?" "Can someone come in here please?" "Excuse me?") before anyone heard and came in. It was weird because I could hear a whole bunch of people talking in the hallway, but apparently no one could hear me (or they just ignored it because they didn't know what it was). So, all of that time was wasted because they didn't have the paper feed going and nothing was recording. Finally, someone came in and set it up to go. Jellybean had a very very high heart rate again - her baseline was about 179, but they didn't seem too concerned about that. Again, I don't like it because it's well over the high point of 160, but since it decelerated a few times, they said it was ok.

More concerning was that my body was "irritable" every two-three minutes the whole time I was hooked up. They looked like huge mountains on the strip, but they kinda plateaued at the top for a while. Sometimes they were just a huge spike. Whatever they were, they were regular and they hurt. It was the same stuff that had been going on all night, and I was in tears after laying there on my back and dealing with them (laying on your back makes them feel worse, but that's how we do the NST, so it's totally counter-productive). The nurse came in and said, "Well, no contractions." and I said, "No, but there is a lot of pain." so she agreed to show it to the doctor who was in that day (not mine - she was at the hospital).

The doctor sent in the midwife to check me and there was no further dilation. At this point, they said that nothing was happening and to head home. I was supposed to come back or go to the hospital if I was having pains 3 min. apart or my water broke. At this point, I started to cry - I explained to them that they were confusing the heck out of me because I was clearly having pains every three minutes. What did they want me to do? They explained that my pains obviously weren't active labor because I wasn't dilating, but if they got worse to come in. I have honestly never been this confused in my life and it is beyond frustrating. The best I can get from the midwife is that my contractions will probably never let me know if I'm in active labor and that my water breaking will be my only clear sign...in other words, I could very spend my entire labor at home and never know it because my pains are not clearly "active contractions."

They called my doctor to see what she wanted to do and she offered to pump me full of IV drugs at the hospital or change up the pain meds again. I chose the pain meds because I do not want to be back in the hospital for no reason. The nurse tried to talk me into going in because she thought the nubane would help, but it's way too hard with Katie around to have me incapacitated in the hospital. Finally, the other doctor came in and introduced herself (and royally pissed me off). I had already agreed to try different pain meds and this doctor came in and proceeded to lecture me for at least five minutes on how important it was to keep that baby in there until 39 weeks because it just wasn't healthy or a good idea to deliver before then. I tried to stop her to explain that my C-section was scheduled for 37 and that I understood everything she was saying, but she brushed me off and said, "I know you know...but babies need 39 weeks because..." and just kept going. Needless to say, I'm really glad this is not my regular doctor. I had tears running down my cheeks because she was making me feel so bad.

She finally offered to switch the pain meds, but only until my appointment on Tuesday (acting like I'm out for drugs only) when Dr. Dameron could see me. Then, when I asked about the effects of another medication on the baby or her health overall, I was treated to another lecture about the effects of narcotics and how my baby will be depressed when born and will go through withdrawal because of my need for pain medication. She stated that they have lots of people on pain meds and that it won't hurt the baby, but just kept making me feel terrible. Finally, she wrote the prescription for Oxycodone and I left.

I filled it, but I only used one and it didn't help. I won't be using any more of those. I have never felt more guilty and scared for telling a doctor I was confused and in pain. I'm so very glad she isn't my regular doctor because it was horrible.

Last night was really bad. The contractions remained at every three minutes and were the worst I had ever felt. I was just rocking back and forth on my hands and knees and trying to get them to ease up. They finally did back off around midnight, so that's been good. Today there has been pressure and achiness (my body always aches after a few days of contraction fun), but nothing major yet. We had a very nice morning taking Katie to the zoo and out to lunch. Brian also took her for a ride on the city bus (something she's been wanting to do). I have my list of things I want to do with her before Friday, so I'm trying to plan those out throughout the week and make sure she gets lots of individual special time before Friday when everything changes. I'm glad we had good weather today and were able to enjoy it outside.

Overall, I'm just confused. It's so hard to know that my body is doing something, but I don't know what. And it doesn't help because even if I do have regular contractions, it doesn't matter because I'm not dilating - but there's no way to know if you're dilating unless you go get checked, so I could end up in L&D daily this week if these contractions keep up. At this point, I hope my water just breaks or we make it to Friday. Labor is so freakin' confusing and overwhelming in the first place, and all of this stuff is just making it more so.

As much as I look forward to that first moment when I get to see and hold Jellybean, I have to admit that I'm really looking forward to a day and a night of not worrying about what that pain is or whether she's ok. I'm looking forward to going to sleep without contractions. I'm looking forward to all of us making our new normal life and removing a lot of this unnecessary stress from everyone's life. I want the stress of a newborn and adjusting to life with two children. I want the lack of sleep that comes with the crying and spitting up and all night feedings. I want things that I understand again...it feels like it's just been so long since I could understand anything.