Time for an attitude adjustment (I seem to need these every few days or so). I can be all mopey and cry-y and miserable because I'm freaked out and in pain, but that really isn't doing any good, so I need to refocus and figure out what is really important here.
I'm really glad we have another appointment tomorrow and that we're going to be doing this twice a week to keep a really close eye on Jellybean. I wish it was more of a Monday and Friday kind of thing rather than Tuesday-Thursday because after tomorrow it will be that long four day span before we check on her again. She has started moving around a bit more, so maybe she was just going through a slump. We did find out that she has dropped (you would think I would notice these things, but I carry her so close in that it's hard for me to tell), so maybe that's helping too - maybe now she has a bit more space to move in. I don't know, but I'm glad to feel it.
I keep reminding myself to, if not enjoy, at least fully experience those movements. Especially after this past weekend. To stop and actually feel it when she moves and to think about what is going on - remind myself of who is in there and what she is doing. It amazes me that someone so big can be doing anything at all in there, and I need to stop for those moments and just feel it.
I'm taking advantage of the nice days we have right now (it's supposed to get chilly again tomorrow) and trying to walk as much as I can outside. If nothing else, I'm hoping that helped her drop a bit, and it doesn't hurt me to get some exercise. I still need to focus on recovery after surgery, and sitting around on my butt all day isn't going to help with that, so I try to consider the walking to be a double good thing and do it for as long as I can handle it.
I'm trying very hard to keep my temper around Katie and to give her a lot of attention and focus right now. It's very important with all the change going on. Brian has been putting together furniture and cleaning the swing and bouncer and our living rooms are quickly filling up with a lot of baby stuff. Katie thinks it's all pretty cool, but isn't happy with the "no, you can't sit in it - it's for the baby" aspect, so I'm trying to make sure there's a lot of focus on what she can do and what she does do well. It's tough because I'm super tired and cranky with a lightening fuse, but I'm working on it.
Overall, I'm just trying to get myself at peace with the idea that it will probably not be until the 18th that we meet Jellybean and that this is the best situation for her. I'm not happy with it because, of course, I not only want to meet her (like, yesterday!), but I would really prefer to have my body back at this point and not feel horrible. Whatever happens will happen and I can't change that, but I have to focus on the fact that it (probably) will not be longer than 16 more days. That's not terrible. That's pretty quick in fact. But I think I will still secretly hope that she is like her sister and shows up next week.
As I said, she's moving a bit more, so that's very helpful for me emotionally. The contractions are still going strong. Over the past few days, I've gotten some regular patterns, but they eventually taper off. On Halloween, I had an hour and a half of ever five minutes, but then they backed off again. The past two nights it was every two minutes for two hours...but then they backed off. It kinda stinks because I get start to get my hopes up and then it all stops, but I guess the fact that they are starting to find a semi-regular pattern at times may be a good sign. We'll see.
Again, thanks for the good thoughts and the support. We're really close and I'm trying really hard to focus on that. I'll keep you updated after tomorrow's visit.