Saturday, November 12, 2011

Lighter Observations on My Pregnancy

Don't look for deep thoughts here - you won't find them ;)

* I am now a champion at contracting. If, in the future, there is ever a need to squeeze anything out of my uterus, for whatever reason, I will be able to do so at the drop of a hat. I figure my uterus is now the equivalent of a Ms. Universe contestant in terms of muscle, so perhaps we should set our test standards pretty high - I'm thinking perhaps I could try bowling?

* Morning sickness is not for mornings. It is not for afternoons. It is not for evenings. In fact, it just appears whenever it randomly decides to make life exceedingly inconvenient and embarrassing. In the future, I will no longer keep Saltine crackers in my desk drawer at work and I will instead keep only fun foods like chocolate or Doritos. This will be more fun for all involved.

* A mucus plug is as gross as it sounds. My vagina has started blowing its nose. I didn't know it had a nose, but it did and unfortunately it appears to have a very bad cold. I will be so pleased when I can go to the bathroom without wondering what will show up in the toilet at that particular moment in time. Bright side? I haven't been an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" and I have not had a baby fall into the toilet.

* Why gel on all the ultrasound and fetal monitor paddles? We can't come up with a patch or a powder or something that doesn't everything feel like it's just been basted like a turkey? Better question, why does the nurse or tech feel the need to use at least half the bottle for either or these purposes? Nope...better question: why, when they go to clean up after their procedure do they pull out one tissue and just spread the gel around my stomach? One kleenex will clearly do nothing - it is too wimpy to stand up to this snotty, blue, freezing cold gel. Also, after using that singular kleenex (clearly to save money), don't apologize for making a mess as you pull up the band on my maternity pants and get them all gooped up. Yes; I anticipate some level of gooey-ness, but don't do it purposefully and then "apologize" for it. Bad form.

* I am aware that my cervix is "shy." We do not have to reaffirm this every single time we do a check. In addition, that is just stupid. My cervix does not have its own personality and is not hiding from you - or if it is, perhaps that is an indication that you should be kinder when performing these checks.

* Likewise, my uterus is not "irritable." In fact, I asked it earlier and it told me that it is just plain old "pissed-off" and "bitchy." Let's use the correct medical terminology please.

* Babies will always use your bladder for a pillow. It does not matter how much room they have, this is instinctual. It also sucks. General fetal pressure during a normal day is enough to cause me to pee myself; babies do not need to assist in this matter.

* MTHFR is a motherfucker. I have no more to add to that.

* Lovenox - you are evil. Heparin - more so. Any drug that requires needles is simply uncalled for. I suggest creating some sort of super-absorbant formula that you can rub onto your stomach and it's absorbed into your skin. After all, these are sub-cutaneous shots - they don't need a vein or anything fancy to do their thing, therefore, they should not get fancy medical equipment like syringes to make them seem all haughty and important.

* I believe needles and shots are scary on purpose. Why don't we design them in a way to make them more fun to use or friendly? I'm thinking multi-colored needles or fun patterns could be interesting? Maybe a feather on the syringe to decorate (and then, after use, it could be a very dangerous tickling device...). However, I am eternally grateful to the nerves that chose not to reconnect after my first C-section and have left parts of my lower stomach completely without feeling. This is the best welcome pad for these needles.

* There is entirely too much urine involved in pregnancy. Urine test to find out if you're pregnant. Urine in your pants when you laugh or sneeze or the baby moves. Urine in a cup at the doctor's office each week. Perhaps we could find ways to use other fluids that have become more than generous since I became pregnant - saliva? It would be nice to use that for something other than soaking my pillow at night. Or, an even better choice might be facial hair. Perhaps we could pull a few dozen strands each time and test those instead?

* Pregnant belly. I'm not entirely sure about this one. If I were redesigning this whole process, not only would pregnancy be only like three months long, but I'm thinking that maybe the upper back would be a good place for the baby to grow. Yes, we would all look like hideous hump-backed creatures, but there are no organs to squish and it would probably alleviate low back pain. Just a thought...or maybe in the buttocks? No; that's just weird. Feet? Pregnant feet...oh wait...we get those anyway.

* Pregnancy insomnia. I have seen every single hour of the night for more months than I care to count. On the bright side, it can make the night very long and, if you fall into that beautiful pregnant coma sleep for each hour, very restful. However, there are really only so many times you need to see 3am if you're not "still" up from the night before or heading out for Black Friday shopping. There's really nothing about that time to recommend it.

* In a week, I will be able to wear clothing that does not require massive elastic bands around the waist. I'm not entirely sure about the design of these items; is it in preparation for "mom jeans" that we need an elastic band that goes all the way up to the nipples? If so, I still have no reasonable explanation for the tent-shaped, empire-waist top. I'll grant you they get better with the passage of time, but they still accomplish only one thing: feeling like a moving circus tent. I have flat out refused to buy the "new" style of tops that are all side ruched; those are just weird looking - like you pulled too hard on the threads on the side of your top.

* While my tummy never pops out far enough to give me an "outie," pregnancy is a lovely chance to make sure my belly button is as clean and lint free as it can be. This is a once or twice in a lifetime chance, folks, and I take advantage of it.

And that's just off the top of my head...we'll see if anything else pops in there that I'm willing to share (although after "vagina blows its nose," it's become clearly apparent that nothing is off limits anymore. I think I have achieved the blogging version of walking around naked with that one.)


  1. and all of a sudden I am not even sure I want to try to get pregnant... ;)

  2. "Bright side? I haven't been an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" and I have not had a baby fall into the toilet."

    That made me laugh bunches!