I'm in a strange place right now. It's weird to say this, but I was actually more sad and upset before all of this happened. It's like I'm emotionally numb now or that I'm so worn out emotionally that I have nothing left to feel. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet. Whatever the case, I'm doing ok right now which is both scary and comforting.
Some of it, I'm sure, is due to the fact that it's the last week of the semester. With all the papers coming in, finals coming up, and assessments to collect, it's too busy to really think about much. But then something will happen...like Katie...ever the precocious child, saying "Mommy, your tummy is big." Yes. Yes it is. But it won't be for long. And that takes me down a notch. Or when she asks for a brother baby or sister baby. That makes me sad because I want to tell her how hard we're trying to give her that...unfortunately, it's just not meant to be right now.
I'm honestly afraid that it's all going to hit me after the semester ends. I think that between my previous December 24th due date and this, I might have a hard crash coming. Thankfully, I'm back on my meds for depression, but I don't know how far that will take me. I did step down from my teaching chair assignment because we have a lot of big projects coming up, and my family and I need to be my focus right now.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers. It makes me feel so loved when I log on and see those - it makes me feel less alone.
I'm the kind of person who buries myself in work, so I'm probably not the best person to offer advice. I'm sure you'll feel it all more once the semester ends. It's weird - you get so swamped with work-related tasks that it's easy to avoid "real life." I've been there - even lost a few friends along the way because of it. Perhaps you can find time to get out of Normal for a bit over break. Waterloo beckons....I do believe! :-)
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a grand idea :)
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