Friday, December 3, 2010

And so it goes...

Christmas is coming. I'm trying really hard to be ok, but I don't know how it will play out.

The good news - since I'm going to be undergoing tests for a few months, I'm back on my meds, so that should help.

The bad news - well, December 24 was still my due date. And with this most recent event, well...that sucks.

I've been really lucky because so far I haven't fully comprehended what's going on or this particular loss. I know that denial and postponing aren't great ways to go about life, but if it gets me through the holidays, I'm all for it. I'm a bit afraid of what will happen when this sinks in.

It's this weird situation: it's good to know what's going on. I don't want to go in that in-between land of "is it a miscarriage" or "what's wrong with this baby," but I know that at some point it will sink in. I honestly hope it doesn't for a while because I really don't know how I'll deal with that.

I focus a lot on Katie right now. She's absolutely amazing and the best thing I've ever done...but what if that's all I get? I never thought that would be my only pregnancy and my only child. I always thought I'd get another shot at it. Maybe Katie is the miracle baby and that's all we're going to have. I know it sounds silly to worry about something retroactively, but I always thought I'd have another baby to hold and love and feed and wake up in the middle of the night for.

I guess three children, like I wanted, might be a pipe dream. Two children might not happen. I worry that if I have another child that I will think of it as my "miracle" and Katie will suffer.

I'm sorry...there's just a lot that's going through my mind right now. I never imagined that this would be me.

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