Thursday, September 15, 2011

Missing Katie

This is the kind of post where you're free to tell me to just shut up. On second thought - it's my blog. You shut up :)

Katie is off to visit her Grandparents for a few days. They live about 45 minutes away (right near where I work), so it's not like she's just in town, but she's also not obscenely far away. I hate this. Brian loves having the time and everyone I talk to always tells me how nice it will be to have time free from her. They tell me I can relax and take time for myself and just enjoy.

I don't do well with this.

Some have told me that this is a primarily only-child syndrome thing. You get so used to having that one person around all the time that you're lonely and sad when they aren't around. I honestly spend my time just wondering what to do with myself. I cry a lot because I miss her and I just wish she was here.

All of this leads me to a lot of introspection (which I really hate to do) and it makes me realize just how completely my life is wrapped up in my daughter's. Very seldom do I go out or do things on my own or with friends because I want to be with her. Of course, some of this is also due to the fact that we have no in-town family or babysitter, and so we don't regularly go out without her. But I can't just blame my feelings on that. I need to do more to work on being a person without her.

I guess it's good that I'm aware of this fact. I deceive myself by telling myself that it's just because she's young or that it's a conscious choice I make, but I'm not so sure about that. I just hate to miss time with her because she is such a cool little person. And I know this is all senseless right now anyway since I'm soon, hopefully, to be in babyjail with Jellybean and going out won't really be an option for quite a while.

But it still bothers me. Some day I will figure out how to be everything I used to be. I mean, before we had Katie, I was a wife, friend, teacher, and daughter. I did shows at the theater on occasion. I worked out. I shopped (not the best choice always). I did things. I've figured out teacher and mom but I'm either not doing a lot of the others or doing a seriously half-assed job at them. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. I don't know if this is a phase that all moms go through at some point or if I'm just overly absorbed in my daughter's life.

But I feel better for talking about it :)

1 comment:

  1. i am also wondering what kind of mom I'm gonna be... will my life wrap completely around my son's? I definitely can see this happen... So I'll watch your musings - maybe you'll find the answer to the right balance ;)