Today I was released from the house and the couch for a little bit so we could go and get checked out at the doctor's. It was really really weird to be out of the house and the car made me woozy...it's funny how quickly you acclimate to absolutely nothing. I've been having a lot of trouble just moving around because I was totally bedridden in the hospital for four days. Now that I can only move a small amount, I'm not helping the problem, so I can feel myself getting weaker, which is frustrating. Just walking from the living room through the dining room to the bathroom gets me winded. Going up or downstairs takes about ten minutes. This concerns me a bit because it means that the recovery from the C-section will be that much more difficult, but I suppose this should be the least of my problems. Sitting up is also difficult because my head isn't used to not being supported, so I start to get woozy after a few minutes. Overall, it's just a very weird feeling to be so weak and to know you can't change anything. You have to fight all of your natural instincts to walk around or sit up straight or do anything that feels more "natural."
In any case, the doctor was quite pleased that I was so frustrated because she said that means I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. She said that those who find bed rest to be relaxing or easy are clearly not following orders. This is probably the first time in my life that I've actually really listened to a doctor, so this is good news. We did about forty minutes of monitoring and things looked good. I was pretty concerned because Jellybean's heart rate was consistently up at 168-173, and 120-160 is normal, but the doctor said it was just fine. She said it looked much better than she had on the strip at the hospital on Monday, so I trust her. No contractions! Even better. We'll go back on Friday for another monitoring session and another Biophysical Profile, and if all looks good, we'll back down to once a week visits.
She said contractions are to be expected at this point - clearly, preterm labor is something we're going to battle, so they will be back. I'm supposed to call when something is "different." She didn't want to define that my intensity or time or frequency because she said preterm labor doesn't fit patterns, so really, if it feels wrong I need to call. Too often or too intense or too painful would be some examples.
Overall, we're doing well, but it is hard. I'm having a lot of emotional issues with this because it feels like a lot got taken away from me overnight. Don't get me wrong - I'm much happier at home than at the hospital, but I'm not used to feeling so useless or weak or whatever. I can't help with Katie. I can't cook or clean or fold or do laundry. I can't even get my own meals or drinks. It's very hard to just sit and wait - and it feels like wasting time, which I also hate. I also live with a lot of anxiety about "what if?" What if I walked too far and it all starts again? What if I sat up for too long? What if I did something to cause all this? It's all emotionally difficult.