Friday, November 19, 2010

Baby #1

Was a surprise. This baby came at a point where Brian and I were really in need of something to bring us together, and, to us, that was exactly what this baby was.

I was supposed to be going in to an outpatient center to have surgery on my foot, and when I went in they did a routine pregnancy test. Or two. When they called me back and told me, I had to sit down - I was so surprised. I was thrilled. They brought Brian back and I told him and then they gave us the tests and congratulated us. Obviously, I wouldn't be having surgery that day.

It was a total shock but we were beyond thrilled. Having Katie made us want so many more children and now we were on our way. I called my doctor to make an appointment and we set up a blood draw so we could see what was going on. At that point, I wasn't consciously trying, so I wasn't sure how far along I was.

We went in that day for the blood draw. Little did I know that I was about to begin one of the longest and most painful experiences of my life. We knew that we would give blood that day, a Tuesday, and again on Thursday to see if the levels doubled. If so, then everything was progressing. Well, I didn't get a call with my levels on Tuesday because it was afternoon by the time I went in. Oh well. When they called on Wednesday, they told me I was at 68, which meant I was either early on in my pregnancy or that I was about to miscarry.

I didn't know how to process that information. How do I go from a positive test to: we don't know if you are or not. I knew that it would be hellish to wait for those tests to come back, but I tried my best to put it in God's hands and wait.

On Thursday, I knew I could wait no longer. The lab opened at 7am, so I was in the door at 6:50 ready for that blood draw. I needed it to go in early so I could get some results that day. I even explained the situation to the person drawing blood and she put a rush order on it. And I waited. The pickup was at 10am and at 5pm. I knew I had made the 10am order, so I expected (and was told) I would hear something. I called at 3 - nothing. I called at 4:30 - nothing. The office closed.

I called first thing Friday morning and was told I had to come back in because they had "misplaced the sample." I was there as soon as possible and told them I had to know - they couldn't keep me waiting all weekend. Well, it didn't make the 10am pickup, and by the time the next pickup came it was too late to find out that day.

That weekend, we went to visit my family since it was Halloween weekend. I had to try to explain to my parents that I was "sort of" pregnant, which, of course, they didn't understand. When they were pregnant, you waited a few months and then found out for sure - there was none of this blood testing stuff. I didn't do this with Katie either. We were just pregnant. No problems. So, they didn't know what to do or say and it was a very stressful weekend of waiting.

I called first thing on Monday morning and was told I would hear from the nurse when she had the results. Then, I started calling hourly. At 3pm, I was nearly hysterical. I had now waited almost a week to find out if my baby was alive and no one would or could tell me. I called Brian and forced him to call and find out. They told him that the nurse had not come in that day and that no one else was able to release those results to me.

I lost it. I literally fell apart. They had the results and "couldn't" tell me. I didn't know what was going on and I felt like I was about to have a breakdown. It was excruciating and so painful.

The next day I called first thing in the morning and found that the results had increased to 80. Not doubling. No viable pregnancy at that point. I now had to go in every other day for a blood draw to make sure the miscarriage actually occurred. Three weeks later I still had a level of 75 and I was in severe pain. I had been to the ER and told I was miscarrying, thankfully they gave me medication; however, my levels just weren't dropping. The baby was trying to grow and couldn't.

After three months of twice a week blood draws, my levels finally returned to "normal" and I had officially miscarried. I guess I was supposed to feel better, but I didn't. The doctor said that since it was a surprise, we should just wait and see what happens in the future.

Well, the future held Baby #2 and 2 chemical pregnancies. This past Friday when we learned it was non-viable, I had a breakdown. It hurts like nothing I could imagine. I honestly don't know if I can try again. I don't know that I can go through that pain again.

Damn, this blog is a downer...but it really helps me to put it out there. Thank you for listening and for all of your kind words.

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