Frustrated with Myself

That's the nicest way I can put it. I feel like I've become a horrible wife and mother, and I'm the only one to blame for it. I can't seem to fix it no matter how much I try and it's really really making me upset. And the more upset I get, the worse I feel and the worse I act. It's such a vicious circle right now and I'm running out of ideas.

I guess a lot of it is coming from lack of sleep. Between the heartburn, the aching low back, and the restless legs, it's almost impossible to fall or stay asleep. I think I'm averaging about 2-4 hours a night - none of it consecutive. If I'm lucky, I can get 45 min. in a span. I've stopped napping during the day; cut out caffeine; added in what exercise I can, but nothing seems to be helping. This, I hope, is the root of all evil.

Katie has entered a particularly difficult spell. She has always been very willful and independent, but now it's entered a stage of absolutely difficult. She doesn't listen - at all. At church yesterday, I had to take her out of the vestibule three separate times because she was trying to climb the pew, mess with the girl's long hair in front of us, jump on the kneeler, and talk as loudly as she could. Each time, I would get her settled down, she'd promise to listen, and it would all happen again. The last time I took her out, she started having a hysterical fit: screaming, kicking, crying...nothing would calm her. We had to leave.

Happened again today. At the library. Screaming, crying...it was absolutely embarrassing. I gave her a warning that she needed to stop crying if she wanted to stay, so she starts shrieking at the top of her lungs that she'll listen. At that point, I have to pick her up and run as fast as I can out of the library as everyone stares at the bad mom who can't control her hysterically crying/shrieking child. She was still doing it in the car - in fact, she did it for a solid twenty minutes.

It comes out of nowhere. We're doing fine and having a great day, and then she does something. I ask her to stop. She does it again. She gets a warning. She does it again. Time out. She does it again. Leaving or something like that and the hysterical fits ensue. That sends me over the edge and I act like I don't want to. What kind of mom whispers to her three-year old to "shut up?" I have no patience because I'm not on my meds and I'm tired and I'm frustrated and then when she gets hysterical it sends me over the edge as well.

I know she's picking up on my moods and we're creating our own vicious cycle here, but I don't know what to do about it. I hate when I don't have fun with my daughter and I hate when I have to punish her. She's going to her grandparents' house tonight (she spends Monday nights and Tuesdays there so I can go into work) and I'll cry all night feeling guilty about how today went.

I'm just so frustrated at myself. I'm not being a good mom and it kills me. How can I even try to have a second child when I can't take care of the first one? Damn it! I'm just so upset with how I'm behaving...even when it's happening my mind says, "Stop it!" and I don't.

I'm sorry I'm ranting and venting here, but I lately I just feel like I'm going to snap. I'm so tense and stressed out and it's not good for anyone. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not focusing on the good things - it's all the bad; and no matter how often I tell myself to stop it or try to fix my thinking and behavior, I just don't or can't. I shouldn't be acting like this and I shouldn't be feeling like this, but I can't seem to fix it.