But my anxiety wants the opportunity to speak for just a few minutes. If you are not into listening to a hormonal spew of nonsense and freak-outs, please just walk on by.
I have to say, the emotional component of this pregnancy has been - by far - the most challenging aspect. I knew it would be and anticipated it, but I don't think I could have ever fully understood just how emotional and how challenging it would be. On the one hand, I feel badly even expressing these anxieties as I know there are so many women out there who would kill to be in this position (myself being one of them had you spoken to me six months ago) because anxiety is so preferable to the depression and sadness that come from the losses, but anxiety eats away at you as well, and that can be really tough.
It's always been hard for me to watch and listen to those who enjoy their pregnancies so much and who love pregnancy because that's never been my experience. I love that I am pregnant and I absolutely adore the child that will come from it, but pregnancy is very hard on my body and makes it so unenjoyable that it affects my mental state. I have to keep reminding myself just how much I wanted to be pregnant, and I feel like I'm being two-faced in some way - talking about how desperately I want to be pregnant and then complaining about it. I don't know how many people could understand or relate to it, but that's one of the most challenging aspects. My body literally just hates me when I am pregnant and that's really tough - it's like everything in my body rebels against this little being inside me.
I know, I know. I always post that things are going well. They are. Nothing is wrong that would jeopardize the pregnancy at this point and nothing is so horrible that I can't function. I'm simply frustrated by all those people who love their pregnancies and I so badly wanted this to be the one that I did enjoy. But I do enjoy many things. I enjoy Jellybean dancing around and kicking me. I enjoy talking and singing to her. I enjoy Katie giving her kisses through my belly and singing lullabies to her. I enjoy the child, not the process, and I guess I shouldn't beat myself up about that.
I am very thankful that I can feel Jellybean and stop worrying so much about that aspect of the pregnancy. I still worry a lot about her heart just stopping or a placental abruption or pre-term labor or any of the many things that there are to worry about. It just feels like we have fought so hard to get here, and I don't want to lose her. I do all the shots, I eat like I am supposed to (even though Jellybean decided last week that we are now vegetarian...she and I need to have a serious talk very soon), I take the antibiotics and avoid all other meds. I try to sleep and I don't exercise vigorously (which is simply killing me as I would LOVE to be a bit more toned or in shape - let's leave weight out of it at this point as that's simply unrealistic).
I just want to protect her so badly and I'm scared. I'm scared because my body does react so badly to her. And I can't help but think about the others that I wasn't able to protect...I mean, they were there and then they weren't. I couldn't keep them safe...how do I know I can keep this one safe? It's good to know that we've gotten so much farther than we have in the past, but these are the thoughts that eat away at me...especially at night.
I suspect we all have an inner anxiety demon...mine is just lurking a bit more prominently lately and I need to get rid of him.