It's been an interesting week. Of course, it has been a really really good week. It's wonderful to finally be into the second trimester and to see that things are going well, but at the same time it's been such an emotional time as well.
One of the hardest things about pregnancy after so many miscarriages is the whole "what-if" factor. I mean, what if something happens? What if it doesn't develop correctly? What if I forget to take my medicine and I hurt the baby or the pregnancy? What if I can't carry to full term? What if I spend so much time with the pregnancy sickness that I start to neglect my daughter? What would I do if I lost this baby?
I think I can honestly say that after all the losses, I don't know that I would be able to "bounce back" from another. I warned Brian that another loss would likely end with me in a mental ward, and it's a serious concern for us both. I know that this is negative thinking and that this week isn't about being negative. It's about celebrating and enjoying what we have, but each day and each week that we progress is another day that the baby gets bigger and becomes a larger part of our lives. If it hurt so badly to lose those babies at six or eight weeks, what would I do at 14 or 20?
It's so weird because I never really thought about any of this with Katie. Of course, some of that was just being newly pregnant and stupid. I was cautious, but never really concerned. Now it seems like I have met so many people who have had very tragic losses: at 17 weeks, at 19 weeks, at 22 weeks, at 28 weeks, at 30 weeks...even the woman who does my sonograms lost hers in the second trimester just a few months ago. It's very scary to see all that and then think about our own chances...especially when we start to consider our own history.
It also just amazes me and makes me feel so blessed that we even had Katie. I lost all of these babies and I'm keeping this one through the miracle of modern medicine. I am truly blessed that I even have my little buddy. How did she make it through (even if she was premature) when none of the others could? God truly had a plan for us there.
Anyway, I'm honestly not complaining...just worrying. I'm very thankful for all that we have and for as far as we have come; I just want to make sure we can continue on our journey.
In more practical, everyday news, I'm having a very hard time sleeping. It's mostly due to lack of comfort and restless legs. Now that I can finally exercise, I'm hoping that walking will help (if the rain and tornadoes ever stop), but I'm looking for advice - is there anything else that helps? I'll take anything you can come up with...