Or something more? I honestly can't tell. Of course, there's a lot going on in my life right now. Finishing up the show (it will end next Sunday), ending the semester (finishing on Tuesday), and getting to the end of the first trimester (Tuesday the 24th) are all coinciding at one time and it's starting to take a bit of a mental and physical toll on me.
To begin with, the weather is starting to get nicer and all I want to do is to go for a walk with my daughter or help her ride her bike or run around the park with her. But I can't do any of those things. I can't do much when I do go out with her (to a park or gymnastics or whatever) because I can't lift her onto a swing or keep up with her or catch her or...well, anything other than watch. That's starting to become a real downer. I keep reminding myself that if it all looks good at the next ultrasound that this will all be over, but it's hard to stay on the sidelines because I feel like I'm missing time with her.
I'm exhausted. Completely and horribly exhausted. Staying out late on show nights doesn't help (I'm home by 10:30, but that feels very late). And all of the student needs and issues are making me emotionally exhausted (as they do every semester). I know that they have done the work and they earned the grade they get, but this is the time of year when all the sob stories and major drama comes out and it's just so damn hard. I can't look at a student that I know didn't do the work and didn't earn a passing grade and tell him/her that they have failed without bursting into tears myself, so add into the mix hormones, exhaustion, and drama, and I'm even worse.
I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in. I have one of those ginormous body pillows that I thought would help, but it's really not. My main problem is my low back. It's killing me and I spend most of my day hobbling around in pain. Of course, the answer for low back pain is everything I can't do - stretching, exercise, heat, etc. I can't do any of that, so I'm starting to get very frustrated.
But overall, I'm just scared. I'm really really scared. When I'm a few hours off on taking the Lovenox or the Progesterone, the fear that courses through me is so intense it's like a massive panic attack. I'm absolutely sure that I've just killed my baby. I still spend every day waiting to see those tell-tale spots of blood or wait for those horrible cramps to show up. The slightest twinge in my abdomen makes me panic and absolutely freak out. In fact, I've spent most of the past day just crying out of sheer terror.
Is there any reason for this? No. Things are going well. But the farther we get, the more I start to worry that it will all stop again and that we'll go through that terrible pain of another miscarriage. And this one would be worse because we are so much farther along. As I've told Brian...I miss my drugs. It would be really nice to be on my mood stabilizers or even a nice Xanax now and then to just help me relax or think things through in a rationale manner.
But I guess that's it...deep down I know this is all irrational. I know that things are fine. It's just the "what-if's" and the fear getting to me. With any luck, once things quiet down, I'll start to feel more secure and settled because I'll have more time to rest and relax. And getting out of this first trimester will certainly help because I may finally be able to be active...
Thanks for listening. Some days, it just feels like a lot. I'm still so thankful for everything we have and I will gladly deal with all of it for a healthy baby.