Damn...

It's not a crisis yet, but it's not happy like yesterday.

Although my HCG levels more than doubled, my progesterone levels decreased. I don't know by how much. So now...

2x daily suppositories. Oh yeah. An no exercise. And no lifting anything more than 15 pounds.

So, I guess I have to drop the show, huh? I mean, it's a small price to pay for the end results...

Please tell me this is ok - anybody know??? The nurse said it should be, but that it's going to be like this for twelve weeks.

Woo-Hoo!!!

170!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There aren't enough exclamation points for that one. Even the nurses at the doctor's office were thrilled.

So, we're not out of the woods by a long shot, but this is the first time since Katie that my levels have ever exceeded expectations. The nurse said is was great that they were more than double.

Next Thursday morning I'll have my first OB "new baby" appointment - with sonogram. With any luck we'll see a heartbeat and can breathe easily for another few weeks, but this is one huge hurdle that we've overcome. In the past three losses, I've never gotten to the new baby appointment. This is thrilling :)

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Keep 'em coming because apparently they're working. And heck - let's just plow through those shots. I can handle anything now!

A trend, perhaps?

Since I have to find a way to make this whole shot part of the process something that I don't dread, I'm going to do a little Vegas still gambling and predicting...

I hereby predict (based on three shots - I know, I have a lot to go on) that the right side of my body contains all the nerve endings in my body and that those shots hurt. However, I am dead in the left side and don't mind :) Therefore, should you need to inflict pain on me for any reason, please aim for the left side...

In other news, I am about as hyper and nervous as I could be about the blood draw today. Going as soon as I'm done with class, so I should have results around 3:30. Let's go 200!!!!!!! (I know that's more than the double, but I'm being positive and proactive :)

Followed by...

Wham!

One of my good friends just told me she suffered a miscarriage today at 11 weeks. This after a horrifying experience of going into labor at 20 weeks and losing that baby.

Scared the crap out of me. I'm trying to stay positive, but what if it happens to us again, too?

Keep her in your thoughts and prayers, please. I know we will.

Wow...

So, I was totally surprised and amazed when a group of people showed up during my second class today with balloons and told me I won the Gallion award. That's the student-nominated outstanding faculty award at our school. I was literally in shock - shaking - and totally embarrassed.

But it was lovely and made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

And now - off to nap. I have to be able to celebrate with my family tonight since I don't have rehearsal :)

2 down...

Hopefully several hundred to go :)

With any luck, things will be doubling normally this time since we caught it so early. In fact, if things double as they should, but next Friday we should know whether we have a heartbeat or not. It will be an anxious time until then, but if the levels continue to grow, that's good and much better than we've done before.

Hoping and praying!

Lovely...

Just got done with a nice little two hour visit to the hospital (my doctor's office is attached to it). And here's what we know:

I have the scariest prescription package ever consisting of 30 prepackaged syringes that are fully loaded and ready to be shot into my stomach daily...for nine months. I've now had one. That leaves somewhere around 230 to go....

Beta HCG's are back: 77. Next draw: Wednesday. We are hoping for a clear doubling of the numbers - 150 or better. Fingers crossed.

Woo-hoo :)

Monday Monday....

I just got off the phone with the doctor. As soon as I get back into town we'll do a blood draw at the hospital (I'm such a pro at this by now) to get a Beta HCG level (a baseline to determine where my levels go after today). I'm assuming I'll be back in every other day or so, but I'll find out.

At 3:00 I get to go in and learn how to do the injections of Lovenox...

Uhm...fun?

Oh well...I suppose I'll get used to them very soon. I'll keep you posted :)

It's On!

Today we received our first definite indicator of pregnancy.

Monday, it's on...that's when the doctor will decide how to proceed (injections, how often, meds, sonograms, schedules, etc).

Fingers and toes crossed; prayers being said...here we go!

Thank you, Titanic

I can't believe I was going to pass on this opportunity. Don't get me wrong; I'm totally exhausted and I'm sad that I'm missing time with Katie, but I've remembered how energized a show makes me and just how awesome it is to be with a cast like this.

Friends are good and amazing, but it seems like it's always shop talk - sometimes it's about kids, sometimes it's about work - but at rehearsal it's all just fun and stupid. It's an amazing release and I feel so happy when I come home.

In short - this is great and I'm so happy I'm doing it. Remind me of this in a month when I'm exhausted and grouchy, huh? :)

Rehearsal

So, I just got back from my first rehearsal for Titanic and DAMN! Those people are amazing! I was literally blown away by how good everyone sounded - even people who have only had the script for about a week were amazing on their solos (and this is not easy stuff, folks).

In any case, it was awesome fun :)

I lied...

I just couldn't keep myself away and I accepted a role in the chorus for Titanic. I'm feeling good about the fact that it's a chorus role and that I can keep low-key while being involved.

Hopefully this will help me pass time during all this fun waiting....

:)

I Stand

Been my favorite song for a long time now, but I wanted to share it. Idina Menzel's "I Stand."

"I Stand"

When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don't try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqe60XVYecI

Oh Life...

You make me smile (when you're not pissing me off).

Today, I went for a long long walk and it was lovely. I always forget how nice it is to actually be able to go outside and do what I want when I want to. Makes me long for the summer...it's going to be so nice to get to that point again. I'm ready for days at the pool and ignoring my summer classes ;)

In other news, we have no official word yet one way or the other, but we do have all the pleasant little indicators that tell us we're on the road again. Nausea, exhaustion (followed by insomnia), extreme sensitivity to smell...you name it, it's here. My best friends have been toast and ginger ale.

So, now we just wait and hope. Hope that it's more than wishful thinking. Hope that we can fix it this time. Hope that, this time, we can do it.

Holy Crap!

That has been my thought most of the night - except for those times that I have literally been quaking with fear. Now, most would call this an overreaction; I, for one, would do so; however, I have never had this strong of a reaction to a book ever.

Katie has been sick and I was so darn worn out after watching her all night and day. Brian told me to go out and do something when he got home, so I went to get a pedicure. It was lovely, and I decided to take my Kindle with me because I had loaded the new Jodi Picoult book onto it and hadn't started reading it yet. Knowing my fascination for her books and topics, I knew that once I started reading, I wouldn't be able to put it down, so I waited for break.

Imagine my surprise...shock...terror...when the first chapter reveals to me a woman who is suffering through round after round after round of miscarriages only to make it to her 28th week. At that point, she miscarries due to a condition that is almost identical to my own. It freaked me out. I don't typically have strong visceral reactions like that to fiction, but this one really shook me.

In any case, I rushed home and held my family for a long long time. I don't think I'll be finishing that particular book.

Pausing...

I took a mental health day today.

It was lovely. I'm trying to get my head on straight and get my emotions in check as we get going on everything again. It's a lot to undertake and I'm scared, so I'm trying to just get ready (and being as it's the week before spring break and we're doing grammar drills in class just convinced me that I could take the time).

I've decided to use Lent to really get into a good place. I'm going to actually take time to exercise and try to sleep and eat right. Cut back on that caffeine and say toodles to alcohol and all the other processed and nasty things that a pregnant woman shouldn't have. I want to be in control of as much as I humanly can - even if that's not much.

We should have some early results in a week or two. Who knows what will come back, but I'm ready. Like it or not, emotional roller-coaster that is my life, I'm jumping back on and holding on tight ;)

And...

It all starts again...

Doctor gave us the all clear to try...

Medic-alert bracelet and meds ready to go.

Here we go again :)

I love it...

I've gotta tell you, compared to what we've been through, I'm loving the totally insignificant problems that we're arguing about at home.

Today, the main argument was whether or not to audition for the musical "Titanic" at Community Players. Obviously, there would be a bit of dancing, but not much at all. However, the idea of lack of rest and being on my feet makes me nervous. Don't get me wrong, this is all me. My head says, "hmmm...your body clots off the placenta...so we're going to take blood thinners and anti-coagulants to make that stop." My mind says (and no one has told me whether this is true or not) that this makes the placenta more delicate and me more fragile and it freaks me out.

So the question is: have one more good show but possibly endanger (yet another) pregnancy - or - stay home, play it cautious, be safe.

I think it's clear what the answer is. It's not an easy choice, but after the past year and past three losses...well, I just can't take the chance anymore. But trust me - it's worth the payoff...