I'm sorry, but I'm going to take a moment to have a pity party. I know that I have seemed upset or sad through many of these blogs, but this is more just me being me for a moment.
Sometimes, life is so unfair I just want to scream. Don't get me wrong - I have perspective. One of my friends is watching her micro-preemie battle for life every day and I'm trying to be supportive throughout. I watch my students who have issues. I know that a lot of people have problems and I don't think any of them are any less important than my own, but I'm just feeling it today and need to get it off my chest.
Why does it just feel like some people get everything they've ever wanted with no problem? The good house, the good job, the family, the babies - everything just falls into place for them and there's no problem whatsoever. I know. I'm not in those houses and I don't know what it's really like, but sometimes it just gets so damn frustrating. When I think about all the times in our life where we've put off something or not done something because we couldn't afford it or because we couldn't devote the right amount of time to it...but it seems like that doesn't matter to others and they get everything they've ever wanted and more.
I'm sure that a lot of this is just my repressed fear. As we go into another cycle of trying, albeit with an answer and a possible way to fix things, I'm terrified and it's coming out in totally irrational ways. I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for and I truly am...but sometimes life just feels unfair or overwhelming - whether it is or not.
But thanks for listening.
You don't really think that your fears are irrational, do you? I guess what you really said was that your fears were coming out in irrational ways, and I think that is how these things work.
ReplyDeleteIt is really hard to have people in your life who seem so blessed. hmmm.... maybe you should "pray about your feelings of jealousy".... I feel a little bad because people who aren't privy to our conversation earlier today might think that was a really bitchy thing I just said, but I am confident you will see it only as humor.
Hang in there... cycles cause stress... cycles of trying are extra stress... cycles of trying when there is a known issue.... WOW STRESS CITY.
Try to relax and have a good weekend. Sometime tomorrow you will look around and count your blessings and know you are rich!
Thanks D - I do think a lot of it is irrational. I think that stress causes me to just hit those moods sometimes....
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