Hmmm..

I have to say, I'm not used to feeling this insecure about a single life decision. I mean, don't get me wrong - when it comes to my students and my job, I second guess every single thing I do :) But when it comes to personal issues, I usually know what I want to do.

And I think I still do, but after visiting my family this weekend and seeing the reaction of family at the situation, I'm a bit put off. I mean, it seems to be the idea of a daily injection that's throwing people - and as Brian says, if it were a daily pill, no one would blink. But then my brother and his wife got a bit skittish by the whole "pregnant and anti-coagulant" thing...and since he's a dentist (and not a real doctor :) it kinda freaked me out.

I'm sure it's still ok and that it's not going to be a problem. Right? I mean, it's not like they're telling me that I have a one in five chance that there will be something seriously wrong or that it's iffy that I can do this. The doctor has three women on this regimen right now (for the same issue) and they are all full-term or almost. She felt very good about it and said there was no reason to worry - as much as you can not worry. Of course there's always that small percentage and you can't guarantee...

I guess I'm just afraid that I'm pushing my luck. But maybe not. I guess I have to stick with my gut instinct and go with it.

Feeling....uhm....*insert emotion here*

Yeah - it kinda depends on the time of day and the day, in particular, but generally I'm feeling pretty good. In fact, more than anything, I'm excited. I'm ready to try again and I'm trying to be as positive and hopeful as I can be.

Of course, that doesn't mean that there still aren't pockets of what I can best describe as "sheer and complete terror," but they aren't as frequent as they were. I'm putting a lot of faith in my doctor and I feel that since she is well aware of the condition and working with people right now who have it (and that they are successful), that things could be good. It's nice to have what appears to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

It has helped TREMENDOUSLY that I stepped down from my extra obligations at work. Of course, I miss the extra money, but I feel so much less stress and so much less depression. I think that was a major step in the right direction and I'm happy I did it. I can now say "no" to things that I honestly don't want to do and not feel guilt. It's a nice feeling.

My body is slowly adjusting as a go off of my meds. My goals is to be completely off them by the end of next week. I'm through the really nasty and moody part of it all; now I have to work on my patience. That's a tougher one because sometimes I use up so much in class that I have very little left at home (which is totally unfair to the people I live with, but...well, what can you do?)

It also helps that I really enjoyed my audio book for the past two weeks. It was by Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert) and titled "Stick to Comics, Monkey Boy." It was a collection of quite humorous and strange essays that never failed to make me laugh. I think I'm going to start using him, David Sedaris, and Chelsy Handler interchangeably (and how often do you see that mix - really?)

Jumping the gun...

But since conception has not been a problem up until now, I ordered a medic-alert bracelet. It's kinda cool in that on the front it says "Pregnant MTHFR"

I'm going to go with Pregnant Motherf*^ker. I think it's funny and I will keep it and treasure it forever.

We're just waiting for the next cycle to get underway so we can start the whole process again. Don't get me wrong, it may not happen for a while, but I just decided I was going to be positive and to have everything ready for when it does happen.

After all, not everyone gets to be a Pregnant Motherf*^ker :)

A minor sidetrack

I'm sorry, but I'm going to take a moment to have a pity party. I know that I have seemed upset or sad through many of these blogs, but this is more just me being me for a moment.

Sometimes, life is so unfair I just want to scream. Don't get me wrong - I have perspective. One of my friends is watching her micro-preemie battle for life every day and I'm trying to be supportive throughout. I watch my students who have issues. I know that a lot of people have problems and I don't think any of them are any less important than my own, but I'm just feeling it today and need to get it off my chest.

Why does it just feel like some people get everything they've ever wanted with no problem? The good house, the good job, the family, the babies - everything just falls into place for them and there's no problem whatsoever. I know. I'm not in those houses and I don't know what it's really like, but sometimes it just gets so damn frustrating. When I think about all the times in our life where we've put off something or not done something because we couldn't afford it or because we couldn't devote the right amount of time to it...but it seems like that doesn't matter to others and they get everything they've ever wanted and more.

I'm sure that a lot of this is just my repressed fear. As we go into another cycle of trying, albeit with an answer and a possible way to fix things, I'm terrified and it's coming out in totally irrational ways. I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for and I truly am...but sometimes life just feels unfair or overwhelming - whether it is or not.

But thanks for listening.

And so...

In the grand scheme of "more than you need to know - but you've tuned in so I feel like you deserve updates"...here's where we are:

At the moment: baby aspirin and double folic acid daily along with prenatal vitamins. Gotta make sure we are as good as we can be. I'm also slowly weaning off all of my other meds. This is a pro/con situation. It's good to go off them because the endorphins of pregnancy take their place...until then, it's a shitstorm of bipolar fun ;) Just kidding. Overall, it's not too bad.

Future: By the next cycle we can start trying again. At the first positive test, we start daily injections of anti-coagulants. BTW - should I get a medic-alert bracelet or card or something? To me, it seems like pregnant + anti-coagulant + blood thinner might be something to advertise just in case of an accident. What's your thought?

BTW -

I heard something really interesting on my audiobook today on my way to the test. It was called "Outcasts United" and was about an American soccer team of refugees (pretty interesting). It said,

"Everything in life starts small and gets bigger. Except for bad things. Those start big and get smaller."

The more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. Bad is horrible and overwhelming at the beginning, but soon we begin to see how everything fits and how it all falls into place. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason - even when I've been horribly sad and depressed, I keep that hope.

Perhaps now, our bad situation is small enough to handle. And small enough to conquer. And small enough to leave in the past.

Results...

I'm all clear. That was a pretty sucky test, but thankfully it was very short - I think the whole thing took about 10-15 minutes. The cool part was that I got to watch it all on the TV above my head. In any case, it was called a (get ready for this) hystersalpingogram. Whew. That's way too big a word.

In any case, as I said, it involved injecting dye and then looking on the live x-ray television to make sure nothing was blocked or scarred or twisted. It was all clear. The good part is that there's nothing that should be in the way. The bad news is that we can't really explain the ectopic pregnancy, so it could happen again. But I guess that's the chance we have to take.

And so, I'm starting on blood thinners (just baby asprin and some extra folic acids and whatnot) and we have the all clear to start trying again next month. As soon as I would get a positive pregnancy test, we would go on injections and would be very closely monitored, but the doctor says that with all the results of everything, I'm not as high risk as we previously believed. She thinks that my risks would be only slightly higher than a "normal" pregnancy - so that's really good news.

Here's hoping we've found the problem and that we can now turn things around. Thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers - it's been very helpful and always makes me smile.

Ok God...

I get it.

First of all, I did find out that my insurance company approved my test and I'm going in at 9:30 on Thursday morning. By the end of Thursday, I hope, we will have all the test results back and will know what's going on for sure. Perhaps even have some chances...I hope to know so much more at this time on Thursday.

However,

Today was critical thinking day in Reading...or starting to get into it. We talk about cultural universals and we talk about disagreeing and learning from other points of view and we begin to work on creating our learning atmosphere where we can safely share our points of view without fear and hope to learn from others. This was in conjunction with a Time magazine article on Children and Mental Health. Inevitably, this turns into a discussion of medication and diagnosis and all that sort of stuff. People reveal what they've been diagnosed with or meds they've been on and other things that really bring the class to a new level. It's an enlightening day for everyone. I share some of my background as well to even the field.

Well, at the end of class, one of my students, who is in my class five days a week (in fact, transferred into one so she would have this schedule), stayed behind to ask how one knows if they need help. How do you answer this? So I answered personally and explained when I know I need to talk to someone or need help. How I feel.

This girl just broke down. She's so happy and fun in class, but she's been having a heck of a time due to financial issues and a recent miscarriage. The miscarriage was just tearing her up inside and she couldn't deal with it. I pointed her toward our counseling services and some other places to go (of course she doesn't have insurance to get more help), and offered to be an ear (warning her that I would probably cry with her). Watching her leave was like watching someone with a weight lifted off her shoulders. She felt so much better getting that off her chest. She had told me how her boyfriend was upset that she wouldn't talk to anyone about anything and how she had trouble opening up.

If nothing else, I'm glad I could listen. I'm glad I could say that I sort of understood and that I could be there. Ok God, I get the point...

Waiting on Insurance...

And I'm going to try really hard not to complain because so far, they have been the best company I've ever dealt with. They have yet to deny anything or be a royal pain - particularly the royal pain that my last company was, but I'm a bit irked at the moment.

I need to get in this week for the radiography test - apparently it can only be done during a four day window each month. Last week, my insurance company said it would have to review my file to determine if they would cover it. The nurse called and explained it was a time thing and they essentially said, "too bad." The nurse, Shelly, said she'd hear from them tomorrow (but they didn't guarantee they would have a decision then), so I'm hoping it's approved and we can test on Thursday (the last possible day), but who knows.

I know - not a big deal. If they say yes and it's too late, we do it next month. If they say no, that will kinda suck, but there should be just cause to do the test...

Anyway, I'll let you know what I know.

Hmmmm....

So, I'm feeling weird today. On the one hand, I'm happy to have an answer and I just want to tell everyone because I'm so excited to finally know what's going on.

On the other hand, does this mean I shouldn't have more children?

This is really tough and really big. I mean, I want another child - if not two. I don't care if something happens to me, but I know that would be a big deal to others. But what if I'm just pushing my luck and end up with a severely disabled child? Do I embrace that opportunity and be thankful for the child, or do I feel guilt over bringing so much into Katie's life.

It's a big decision. And ultimately, I guess it lies with me. Brian has said he wants another child but that it's my choice. Sometimes I don't like being a grown up...it's hard.

BTW -

Is it bad that I'm going to take the MTHFR and start calling it "Motherfucker?" Cause it's what I think every time I see it.

MTHFR Double Mutation

Ok - so the doctor's office called with a result. I don't know if this is the only result (if all the tests are in yet), and we're still planning on checking my tubes next week, but this is the one the doctor suspected. This is the one she said was probably clotting in the placenta and cutting it off from the growing embryo, thus killing it.

Apparently, this is a clotting disorder with all kinds of issues. It doesn't allow the body to process folic acid properly (so even though I was on a double dose for years, it did no good), and often results in preeclampsia, placenta abrupta, recurrent miscarriages, and low birthweight and early babies (hey, that sounds familiar). In some of my research, this seems to indicate that there's a higher possibility for having a baby with spina bifida, but this is very scientific and out of my league, so I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps that is why there would be so many sonograms?

In any case, the second I get my next positive pregnancy test, we hit the road running. Apparently this involves a daily injection of blood thinners and some other precautionary things like frequent sonograms and check-ups. I'll also have to be very careful with my movement/exercise/etc during pregnancy since it is so likely to cause the placenta to tear.

We'll hope this is it. I mean, we now have some serious thinking to do about whether or not this is something we should proceed with, but the doctor says she has three women on this regimen right now who are doing well. We would have to really watch strenuous movement, sudden movement, any bleeding - since I'd be on blood thinners, and the delivery has to be carefully planned due to the blood thinners.

It's a lot to think about, but it's a start. Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers.