It's been really easy to ignore things and emotions and feelings and just live life during break. Sure, break wasn't easy. There were blood draws and sonograms and doctor's appointments all the time, but that was just part of the daily routine. I got used to it.
Yesterday, however, I was back at school and it really hit me hard. I spent a lot of the day feeling like I was just going to sob. Of course, some of it came from a colleague who's very pregnant. That's just hard to see and talk about, but that's a part of life. What was really hard was never finishing last semester. Being gone before finals and then in the hospital during finals week everything was just left unfinished. Being back there yesterday just brought back all of those raw emotions and all of those confused feelings.
Worst of all, though, is that no one in my department except my Associate Dean even knows I was in the hospital or having problems. Ok, a couple of people know I was in the hospital finals week, but they don't know why. But do people ask how I am? Do people care? No. And I guess that's good and bad. It's good that I don't have to put on a brave face and tell people it's ok and that I'll be fine. But maybe it's harder to just move through this isolated world and not even acknowledge that anything hurts. Sometimes it's hard to feel so disconnected from people you see every day.
I hope that starting classes on Tuesday will make things more normal, but I think it's all starting to hit me now. I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist in a week or so, and I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. Also, I'll be going back to my OB on the 25th to make a plan. Maybe having a plan will help hold some of this at bay. I'm just hoping I can make a clean start this year and this semester.