And I know a lot of what is bothering me.
I can tell now that there are a lot of things that are all coming together and weighing me down. That's one huge problem. I need to separate them and learn how to deal with each of them individually - rather than taking them as one large problem.
Problem One: I'm terrified. We're going to start trying again very soon and I'm absolutely terrified. I honestly don't know how I will handle another miscarriage or another ectopic. What will I do if that happens? Will I be able to mentally handle another one? I'm not sure. It's taken such a toll that it's really scary to think about.
Problem Two: What if it works? The last three times, clearly there has been something very wrong. A genetic abnormality; an ectopic pregnancy, an unknown miscarriage. We only know so much. What if I am just pushing my luck? What if I am just supposed to be happy with the beautiful little girl I have and not try for more? If I have another child and there's a serious disability, then my daughter will suffer from a lack of attention - that's just a simple fact. Any child that has any different ability needs more attention. Am I just being unfair and should I just settle with what I have?
Problem Three: It bothers me that I can't speak openly about this. I missed a TON of work last year due to the surgery and miscarriages...yet no one except my boss knows. How do you bring that up in conversation? When we went to a conference a couple weeks ago, people asked about the new tattoo I have on my wrist of double hearts. Of course, I put it in an obvious place because I wanted to be reminded daily of it. And I don't mind explaining it, but we were all sitting at dinner. How can I say, "Oh yes - I got it because we lost two babies last year?" How is that fair to anyone else? So I have to be elusive when others ask if there is a meaning and just say "yes." Unfortunately, I want to explain the whole story, but I'm afraid of laying it all on someone. It was really DAMN hard to go to work every single day and pretend like everything was ok. Like I didn't have surgery the day before or like I hadn't been in the ER four times in one month. I couldn't talk to anyone and it was the most difficult time of my life...and the loneliest.
Problem Four: Comes from problem three. I care about people. I want to be liked. I have recognized everyone at work and in my life for whatever they have going on - whether it's a birthday or award or promotion or whatever. I always get someone a card or a present because I feel like it's the nice thing to do. And then my birthday came and there was no reciprocation. Don't get me wrong - I don't do these things expecting anything in return. But I do hope that something might come back to me. I hope that someone will acknowledge. And yes - those of you reading this did acknowledge and I love you for it. Thank you. I think I'm speaking primarily of people I work with...perhaps I need to just create more of an identity away from work and make sure they don't have this much control over my own feelings and self-esteem.
In any case, I just kept hoping for a happy birthday email from people I work with. It never came. I thought they were confused and it would come today. It didn't. I'm sad. In the past month, I've recognized three of theirs - and they've referenced mine. A simple email would have made my day, but apparently I'm not that far on the radar. It makes me sad.
I have to focus on what I have. I have wonderful friends who, unfortunately, live far away. I wish I could bring you all here and keep you here. I have a beautiful family that I adore. I need to focus on the positives...sometimes it's just hard.